By Thomas Morey

Just in case you need to know a little bit more about
Rev. Jerry Falwell, no matter whether you think you
know enough about him or not, I'm going to a
courageously attempt to inform, or reinform, any
active members here in the public forum who may be
interested in what I have to say about him. I believe
that many here really have a wide variety of views
about him that run the range of the extremes: "ememy
numero uno" to an hero of the faith. And, you know
what? I think he would have completely understood why
this still to be so, especially among those Christians
and other peoples of faith who are also SSA'd folks,
as well as their friends and loved ones.

Yes, it was Rev. Falwell who was the forerunner and
most influential propagator of the revival of public
and political traditionalism (i.e, defender and
protector against comtemporary social engineering
trends from excessive autonomic cultural ethos
philosophies such as found in much of the feminist
movement, the sexual revolution, and gay liberation)
back in the 80's by raising the Moral Majority banner.
Of course, his influence was cardinal in the
development of many of the conservative think tanks,
social and political movements of today, especially
such influential organizations as Focus on the Family,
the American Family Association, the Christian
Coalition, and the American Association for Civil Law
and Justice.

Initially, despite his heroic status, faithful and
bold posturing, and possessing such a good acumen for
what are certainly divergent expressions far from
being socially moral, decent and constructive in human
nature, his rhetoric was unfortunately quite overly
and overtly unfair and discriminatory in particular
regarding homosexuals, at least for most of his years
as a prominent voice of cultural sanity. In other
words, he placed entirely too much emphasis on this
particular subcultural group over other wayward
subcultural expressions of American life, to the point
of scapegoating them for what ails us all who live the
American way of life.

A good example of this is his original and
oversimplistic views back in the 80's and 90's of the
cause for the HIV/AIDS crisis, his unwillingness to
even consider Exodus affiliates as part of
evangelicalism, let alone considering them to be
unhelpful and even dangerous and in many respects for
Christian youth, and lastly his unfortunate comments
in late 2001 regarding the ultimate influential causes
for the 9/11 tragedy. There are others, but for the
sake of simplicity, let me limit my examples to these
three. Let me try to just share with you what I
believe was the Holy Spirit's work in Rev. Falwell's
life in bringing him to repentance and faith regarding
this matter.

It was this last occurence that created such a
negative backlash and media blitz on Christians, and
on evangelicals in particular, that even many of his
own evangelical Christian friends, including President
G "W" Bush, then took him to task and pressured (i.e.,
rebuked and instructed) him to take back his vitrolic
remarks. It was shortly after this event that he
indeed did begin to show significant public acts of
remorse (no tears mind you, not his style, for sure!),
which could only come from of a repentant heart. Some
of these strikingly compassionate and mind-boggling
acts of repentance were the following:

1) recanting from his former errant speech on the
ultimate influential causes of the 9/11 tragedy, and
then rightly placing it on much more influential
causes (which clearly come from a most humble Holy
Spirit-filled perspective) such as himself, his Thomas
Road Baptist church, and the entire sleeping church in
western culture for a lack of evangelical zealotry and
social activism coming from the compassionate heart of
our Savior and Lord, Jesus. (Of course, all rational
folks, including himself, not intellectually bent in
their hostility against Americanism and the west,
recognized the efficient cause of the 9/11 tragedy
being satanic attack via Islamist fascism.)

Second, he actually contacted Mel White (who used to
be a very sought after political speech writer back in
the 70's, 80's and early 90's by various famous
conservative and evangelical speakers, mostly
itinerant preachers, including Jerry himself) who left
the evangelical church, his wife and family due to his
unresolved isues with SSAs in the early 90's, and
joined ranks with gay evangelicals, such as Rev. Troy
Perry and his Metropolitan Community Church (MCC). To
much the consternation of many at his church and
university, Jerry Falwell decided it was time to have
a joint conference, centered on dialogue and
reconciliation, if at all possible, at his home church
in Lynchburg, VA, with him, his own Thomas Road
Baptist and Liberty University leaders, and many
avowedly gay and lesbian church leaders shortly after
his recantation. Can you imagine what these leaders
who were invited, from both sides of the aisle, as it
were, were thinking?

The prevailing results from this conference appear to
me to have been much more positive for Rev. Falwell
and his church and academic institution, than for Mel
and his fellow gay and lesbian church leaders. Why? It
was apparent that Jerry and his contingency had lower,
and much more realistic, expectations on what would
result from such a conference: the Lynchburg, VA
Baptists expected to learn alot more about what SSAs
entailed, and about the very human stories shared
concerning the intrapersonal and interpersonal trials
that SSAd people commonly encounter. And that they
most certainly did learn, without compromising their
faith. They began to understand much more about SSAs
being just another sinful expression of human
brokeness and/or struggle, despite the gay and lesbian
church leaders denial of its commonly sinful nature.
This led Jerry and many other Baptist leaders to then
possess a much more greater respect for their
counterparts, and with that understanding gain that
much more confidence concerning how Jesus, and the
work of the Holy Spirit, was truly the answer to this
particular human condition.

As for Mel and other gay and lesbian church leaders,
they appeared more to be hoping for some kind of move
from Rev. Falwell and the Baptists towards acceptance
of their sexual identity as being constitutional, or
at least immutable, in nature. It was evident to them
that this was not a successful goal met on their part.
However, I think that Mel and many other G&L church
leaders believed that the conference was still a
constructive one, even though they appeared
disillusioned, and some even more angry, since it
appeared that they were aware that they did gain some
respect from their opposition, as well as they towards
them.

I'm just wondering whether it was due to this very
unconventional and controversial conference held at
Thomas Road Baptist, that Rev. Jerry Falwell then
accepted an invitation to be the main speaker at the
2005 Exodus International conference. Whether it was
or not, this event was just absolutely mind-boggling
to me, given what most Exodus leaders put up with the
likes of Rev. Falwell back in the 80's. (Btw, did
anyone here attend the 2005 annual conference? And, if
so, what did they think of Rev. Falwell's message, his
presence, and feedback he was getting from most others
attending?)

You see, when I was an Exodus affiliate leader in
Philadelphia back in the 80's, I used to warn
Christians of all stripes and sizes not to defend the
church, especially leaders like Rev. Falwell, when
speaking with publically avowed gays and lesbians. I
really did not like him at all, and I believe it was
for very solid reasons. And I still do believe that! I
learned from what appeared to me to be a dramatic
change of spirit in Rev. Falwell just how mighty the
God the Holy Spirit is, whether due to the strength of
His tenderness or His sovereignty over circumstances
of life, in conquering the hearts and minds of His
sons and daughters, bringing love and reconciliation
where before there appeared to be absolutely no hope,
at least in the most basic human understanding of what
that means.

So, in closing, I'm asking those here who do see Rev.
Falwell as strictly an hero of the faith, to
understand where us other folks have come from, or are
coming from. Equally, I'm challenging those here who
have been personally hurt and offended by his
condemnatory messages and posture in the past, to
forgive, and to rejoice with me that the Lord saw fit
for Rev. Falwell to be, "...found where once he was
lost, by His amazing grace", years before the Lord
called him home to be with Him. Thank you Lord!!! May
Rev. Falwell now rest in peace from both his faithful
works here on earth, as well as his personal struggle
against sin, in the arms of our loving Father in
Heaven! :-)

Tom
Blessings,

Thomas Morey is an activist for"exgay rights"
he is a writer at  Ex Gay Discussions which is
the largest Christian Yahoo group for ex gay rights.
He can be reached at  moreytom@yahoo.com

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/exgaydiscussionboard/

 Former Transgender Tells His Story

In his own words, this is the story of Darrell, an African-American former transgender. PFOX raised funds for his reversal surgery:

As a boy, I began to feel same sex attractions at age 13. I acted out with older kids and then became involved with older homosexuals and bisexual men. When I moved away from home, I encountered a man who I thought was a woman. He introduced me to other “men” like him, who befriended me. We spent lots of time together. I asked them how they got that way. So one of them introduced me to a downtown doctor, who evaluated me and gave me my first shot of estrogen so I could start looking like a woman too. At that point I became afraid. But my friends were there to help me. The doctor left me with my own estrogen and steroid pills and refills. I was on my way to becoming a woman just like my transgender friends.

As a result of the estrogen, I became physically developed as a woman, even though I was not one. The hair on my body and face started to shed. A month passed by. I became scared at what I saw in the mirror. Nonetheless, I was happy with what I was seeing.

Along with the physical changes, my personality changed. I became very arrogant. Even though my breasts had enlarged, I wanted more. So my transgender friends introduced me to an attractive man who owned an extremely large and beautiful house on a hill. He took me into his basement and told me to lie down on a table.

He massaged my breasts. Then he injected my breast with silicone gel and began to pump up the breast. I saw my breasts increase in size right before my eyes. He asked me to let him know when to stop. I was breathing very fast with fear. But in less than two hours it was over. I began to realize that this is commonly how transgendered men get their breasts – through unauthorized silicone injections. Sometimes they get together for what is called a “pumping party” and inject each other.

But I was pleased with my new breasts. I thought I looked attractive and was reinforced by the compliments of my transgendered circle of friends.

However, as the years went by, I became depressed. I was never able to be happy or find true love. I was in love with a guy that I thought was the best thing that had ever happened to me. But he was abusive. Despite the abuse, there was almost nothing I would not have done for him. But it was all for nothing because he left me for someone younger.

In the homosexual and transgender life, youth is very important. As a result, I was obsessed with my body and personal appearance. Acceptance by others in this lifestyle requires a good body and good looks.

In order to be part of the transgender crowd, men must meet certain criteria. We have to have more dominate female features; in other words, look more like a woman than she actually does. So we had to have bigger breasts, more shapely hips, flawless complexion, etc. In order to keep up, I had to buy the most expensive creams, take a regiment of hormone pills, do my makeup in the mirror for hours, etc.

It took me a long time to fix myself up and keep up with the beauty regiment, especially since I was not a woman. So although I looked better than most of the women out there, it was all a charade because I was not even a woman to begin with and it took so long for me to look like one. Going to a bar or party as a woman was hard work. The performance was an everyday lie.

But the praise from the others in my crowd of transgender friends kept me going. I was the center of attention and felt important. When younger transgenders joined us, I took more hormone estrogen pills to look more physically female, even though the increased dosage made me physically ill.

One time I saw myself from a side mirror and was frightened because I thought it was someone else. At one point, I was so depressed and lonely that I went to the public rail system wanting to be rescued, even if it meant going to jail. I carried half a gallon of whiskey and was sobbing on the public bench. It was raining that night and I urinated on myself over and over again. I was drunk. I felt sorry for myself because no one else was. After many letdowns like this, I wanted to change my life.

No one reached out to me, so I turned to Christ and stopped taking hormones. Slowly I began to look like the gender of my birth. I went back to calling myself by my male name, the one my parents gave me and that I had abandoned all those years when I was trying to make believe I was a female. I began to see that I was a new creature in Christ. I began to like myself and associate with people who were Christians. They loved me unconditionally and I didn’t have to always look “beautiful” to be with them.

Eventually, no one could tell I had been a female for all those years – except for one thing. I still had my breasts. So now I was a man with female breasts. What had once given me so much pride was now a source of agony for me. I did not have the money to pay a surgeon and hospital operating room to remove the silicone from my breasts. Of course, the procedure was not covered by insurance. I didn’t know where to turn for financial assistance, because I felt no one would understand how I got into this mess and instead tell me I deserved it. But I knew God did not want me to live like this. He had made me complete in His love and He would complete me now.

I heard about PFOX, Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays & Gays, a non-profit organization that had raised funds for the reversal surgery of another former transgender. PFOX agreed to raise funds for my surgery, anesthesia, and operating room. They found a Catholic plastic surgeon to perform the operation at a reduced rate. A Christian woman financed the operation. Who would believe that people could be so kind to make such contributions for someone like me?

There was a lot of anticipation and anxiety waiting for the day of my reversal surgery. I thought that day would never arrive, and when it did, I was scared. At one point I began to think I did not deserve it.

After the surgery was over, I looked down to see the final results and I never looked down again. Now I could do the things I had always wanted: go to the gym, meet people, try on clothes without fearing that someone would walk in on me, and become more physically active. I began to experience a confidence I had never had before.

Today I am ready for the Lord to move me to another level so that He will continue to work in my life. Jesus changed both my body and soul. I have been changed to be unchangeable. Not in a million years did I ever think I would be giving this testimony. Take it from me, regardless of what you have done or who you did it with, when God is in you, your life will never be the same. Jesus Christ is the best thing that happened to me. He is more beautiful than any woman I could ever try to be.

###

Copyright PFOX 2005

by Anne Paulk

I grew up as a classic tomboy, mostly playing cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers. When I was about four-years old, an event happened which profoundly shook my inner security. A teenage boy approached me sexually, then warned me not to tell my parents. I never said a word, fearful that we'd both get into big trouble. This silence left me to reap a lot of self-inflicted pain, and the whole incident only reinforced my tomboy image. I didn't feel protected or valued as a girl.

I also craved special affirmation as a girl from my dad, but couldn't tell him why. For years I believed lies about myself, God and men. And the sexual experience (when I was four) kept me from embracing femininity which, to me, meant being weak and vulnerable.

Then I found myself having crushes on some of my girlfriends. I was talented in athletics, so I joined the softball team in high school, but continued to avoid most feminine activities. I didn't feel pretty or lovable.

At church, the youth group seemed shallow. I felt disappointed that everyone behaved just like the non-Christian kids at school, and I became disillusioned. Soon I discarded church altogether, and began getting into wild behavior: drinking, dating three boys at one time, and eventually exploring homosexual relationships.

Then I went to college and met Sara. She seemed so confident and strong as a woman. Men adored her, but they only seemed to ridicule and use me. It was then, in early 1982, I realized my feelings for Sara were sexual. So I decided to look up an old boyfriend to "test" my orientation. Although he was a nice guy, I felt no attraction to him. After that, I decided to pursue my attractions for women. At the suggestion of a gay counselor, I joined the college gay/lesbian group.

But during one of those meetings, I had a piercing thought, "There really is something wrong with this lifestyle." I was heartbroken by the words that shattered my dreams of finding happiness with a female life- partner. After the meeting, I went home and cried. "God," I prayed, "please show me who you are, and fill the void in my heart."

After that prayer, I began experiencing a new hunger to know Jesus Christ. Within six months, I made a firm decision to forsake homosexuality and follow him. But, unfortunately, none of the leaders on campus or at church knew how to give me hope that my sexual attraction for women would change. My commitment to Christ, however, enabled me to persevere in the face of this discouragement. I immersed myself in Christian activity, although the homosexual attractions never went away.

Eventually I fell into a sexual relationship with Laura, a Christian girlfriend who, like me, struggled with lesbianism. Laura and I looked to each other for emotional fulfillment. At first, it seemed like many of my childhood dreams were being fulfilled through our relationship. But along with some satisfaction came conviction, deception and emotional instability. Laura became my top priority over work, family and friends. Many areas in our lives suffered as a result. Laura even battled with suicidal thoughts. Then Laura and I tried to remain friends, but stop the sexual part of our relationship. But it never worked, because we never addressed the underlying issues.

Finally, after three months of resisting God, I said a very honest prayer: "Lord, you know that I really enjoy this lifestyle, but I want you to be my first love. I need your help. I need you to change my heart." This prayer marked a major turning point in my life.

Shortly after my prayer, Laura and I had dinner with a Christian woman who was a former lesbian. She listened to our story and our questions, and through her we made contact with a Christian ministry solely devoted to helping people overcome homosexuality. The people loved us and cared for us, and eventually Laura and I agreed to give our relationship to God and avoid all contact with each other.

Though angry and frustrated over the break-up with Laura, I continued going to the ministry's meetings for the next 18 months. The insights I gained there were incredibly valuable. I learned how to look for patterns in my same-sex attractions, so I could understand the underlying needs which sparked the temptations in the first place.

I continued to grow in my relationship with God, and eventually I realized that something had changed deep inside of me. God changed my sexual identity from ex-gay to godly woman. I was learning that God loved me with a gentle delight, especially when I relied on his strength.

During this time, I found myself having a new interest in men, and began spending time with them in group situations. Then, in mid-1991, I began dating John, a man in my church who like me had come out of homosexuality. On December 31, 1991, he presented me with a ring and asked me to marry him. We were married the following July. I kept looking happily at the ring, thinking, "Wow! Me married!" I was filled with joy as God established something so beautiful and holy in our lives.

Since then, God has used John to comfort me and to confront areas of distrust in my life. This has been difficult, but the Lord has been faithful to fulfill his promise to heal, even when the process is uncomfortable. I am so glad that my Father took the time to unearth the hurts that held me back from growing into godly femininity. Now I don't need to compare myself to other women and don't seek to gain femininity from them through emotional dependency or homosexual relationships. My identity is secure as a woman because I know Christ.

 By Daniel

As a young boy I was molested by my uncle, I was only 3 or 4 years
old, but I remember everything that happened.

I went through a lot of traumatic experiences early on. I wasn't
quite sure what I was, but deep down I knew I liked being with men.
I was 16 years old and dating older men, because that's who I was
attracted too. I was always in search for love, not sex, but that's
all that these men that I came encountered with wanted from me. It
took me years to understand, why couldn't they love me the way I
wanted to be loved and held? They only wanted to please themselves
and take advantage of me.

I then started prostituting myself, trying to get what I thought was
being ahead in the game. They wanted something from me and they were
willing to pay for it, so I thought what the heck, that's all they
wanted anyways. Sex started to become fun for me. I started to
really enjoy it.

Soon after, I started going to gay bars with friends. I thought I
was in heaven. What I saw with the majority of the crowd each time I
would go, was how they were always bouncing around from guy to guy.
I didn't want to be like that, or at least let anyone think or know
that about me. Unfortunately, the guys that I came in contact with
would usually cruise the streets at night. I was raped twice, once
when I was 18 and once when I was 20.Very painful moments those were
for me. I got involved with crank, from what seemed like the thing
to do because everyone was doing it. I tried so hard to be what
everyone wanted me to be. I was either at the Adult Book Store,
cruising Belmont street, or Roeding Park. It was glamorized at
times, it was all about GETTING YOURS!!

Years went by and I was 22 now still partying 5 days a week and
still no man. I'm not going to say that I never had a boyfriend but
obviously it never lasted. I was 22 and I started to date this guy
which I didn't know was HIV positive. I was really starting to fall
for him but he just kept playing these mind games with me, so I was
like well let me just go ahead and do my thing and just see if
things fall into place.
The sad thing is that I had close friends that knew of his HIV
status and not one of them warned me of this. It didn't last more
than a month between us. A couple of weeks after we stopped seeing
each other he called me to let me know that I needed to go get
tested, and I was like for what? He told me that I gave him
something, I continued to ask, "What did I give you and how do you
know that I gave it to you." He told me that I was the only one that
he was with in a long time and here I am thinking to myself, yeah
right. So I went to go get tested at the Health Department around
the first week of March 1998.

I was devastated. I couldn't believe it, I was HIV positive. One of
my friends was waiting for me outside and he already knew by looking
at me what my results were. He tried his very best to help me cope
with it, but all I did to suppress my feelings was smoke more crank.
I was up for about a week after I found out my results. I went
through so much that week trying to smoke as much as I could to
overdose, walking in the streets not looking around for oncoming
traffic. I remember my chest and my heart was hurting. I remember
that night I was going to finally sleep, but I didn't want to
anymore because I was so afraid that I wasn't going to wake up. I
remembering crying out to God, "why are you punishing me, why?"

I had friends telling others what I had, like it was their place to
do. And they did this to me just days after I found out for myself.
It was all out of jealousy and hatred towards me. Wow, what friends
I had. And sadly enough I was still being out there with other guys
this time being more precautious in engaging in sexual acts. I was
to afraid to tell anyone what I had because I didn't think anyone
would even consider being with me, how very selfish I was.

I was in a relationship for about 1 ½ years which was off and on,
and in the middle of our relationship things weren't going so good,
we argued a lot, which sometimes led to fights. My health started to
pay the price for it. I was depressed a lot because of the constant
arguing, the only thing that made him truly happy is when we had sex
and that just really disturbed me, because he kept reassuring me
that our relationship wasn't based on that. I had to break off our
relationship for good because my T-Cells dropped tremendously and he
didn't understand or much less cared. He still wanted to have sex
even though we weren't together anymore, sometimes I would and other
times I refused which led to arguments. I was going through too
much. I kept telling myself what if he was to contract this disease
from me, how would I feel about myself knowing that it was me who
gave it to him, I couldn't live with that. We used condoms every
time but still condoms are not in no way 100 % effective.

The gay scene itself was more out there, and so many others were
contracting this disease and also not telling others. I just can't
believe that I was one of them. Years went by and the same old thing
was happening; one relationship after another but this time around I
was letting my boyfriends know before hand that I was HIV positive.
I was a little more comfortable sharing this but still at the same
time scared as hell, because I was so afraid of being rejected. I
was never able to find the man of my dreams, there was always
something wrong either they tried to mold me into what they wanted
or they only wanted self gratification. I tried hard to be faithful
and when I truly was with them, guess what, they weren't. I had
grown so much and was starting to be independent and knew what I
would and wouldn't put up with anymore.

I had friends that were with me out there and would talk me into
selling myself when I didn't want to so that we would could get more
drugs, they knew that my health was getting worse and also knew I
didn't know how to say NO. I just wanted my friends to be happy,
even though they always demanded so much, but I was always there to
try and do what I could to get them through what they were going
through.
I cared for the friendships that I had. Even though these are some
of the friends that have shared my HIV status with one another, and
to let you know something, more than ½ of my friends did the same
things I did, but sometimes without protection, I guess they think
that it will never happen to them. Funny how they never want to go
tested.

On October 17, 2002 I went to the hospital and had my appendix
removed. I did a lot of blood work before the operation. The very
next day after the removal of my appendix, doctor after doctor kept
coming in checking my vitals and were monitoring me closely because
my fever just wasn't breaking and kept getting worse. I then
overheard a doctor telling another that I had full blown AIDS that
my T-Cell count was at 82, I was in shock.

I told the doctor about me bleeding from my rectum. They checked it
out and came to find out that I needed to have an operation to go
inside and find out what's going on. I was going through some
tremendous pain and constant bleeding. I started going to church
twice every Sunday and in the evening on Wednesday night coming down
to alter call asking for prayer, searching for God wanting him to
come into my life. I needed him to help me with everything because I
couldn't do it by myself. I needed strength to keep going, I
couldn't stop thinking about what everyone has done to me, or better
yet what I have allowed to happen to myself. I asked for Jesus to
help me and come into my life. Things started to change dramatically
in the way I acted, and the way I spoke to others. I totally forgave
everyone for what they had done to me and asked the Lord to forgive
me for what I have done to others and to forgive me for my sins.

I had more blood work done. I was excited to see what my results
where going to be because I felt healthier, looked healthier than I
had been in a long time. But the results I got where worse, my T-
Cells were at 51 and more bad news, I was now diagnosed with
Hepatitis C. I still kept continuing on with Church, not giving up
my faith in God, not to say that I wasn't hurting at all. I was
attending Church for several months as a Christian that was living a
Homosexual lifestyle. I believed with all my heart that I was born
like this, what other explanation could there be. Well that was
MAN'S explanation, so I just accepted that, so that I wouldn't feel
so wrong in how I was living.

It was time to have the operation to see what was going on inside my
rectum. The doctors found two huge hemorrhoids insides which they
removed and a couple small one's on the outside, very painful
operation. My doctor explained to me how this happened to me, it was
through anal sex. After the operation I encountered with several
others that had the operation already. And it just so happens all
these guys that I spoke with all practice anal sex. Little did I
know that I would have to have this operation done again to make
sure nothing reoccurs and also because I was extreme high risk for
anal cancer.

July 2003 came and I ended up doing 3 months time in jail for a third
DUI that I had gotten back in April. My mom came to visit the second
day I was there and she told me, "I know you have been going to
Church, but while your in jail make the best of your time and start
reading the Bible." She asked me to start reading in Romans, but to
pray before doing so. I looked at her like what are you trying to
say, but something inside just said to agree with her this time and
see where it leads. I then told my mom," you know what? If God can
change my lifestyle then let him because if I could I would have
done it along time ago." So I went back to my bunk and prayed before
I read. I cried and cried as I read on, God showed me there in bold
print his words, it was like he was talking specifically to me and
he was. As I continued to read I felt so guilty of the things I have
done besides homosexuality and I truly wanted a way out. As I
continued to read on in Romans, He showed me how to accept Christ
into my heart and ask for forgiveness and surrender my life
completely. The Lord said in scripture that by doing so I will enter
His Kingdom, in Heaven. That moment on I confessed to our Lord that
from this day forward I no longer consider myself to be a gay man.

God revealed so much to me in jail where I finally understood what
really happened to me in life. God explained it all. It's not my
fault that I was a homosexual man, its man's sin that did this to me.

But through the grace of our Lord and Savior he can and will deliver
any of us from this lifestyle if we just surrender our lives to him.
I know we can all blame the Church for us not going and seeking him
out, but you know something I attend a Church that not one time has
any one ever been judgmental towards me, not once. Not to say that
there are not Christians out there that will not be accepting of our
lifestyles or any sins for that matter, but you know something, it
doesn't matter what they think because there's only one God that can
judge us and only one way to get into His Kingdom and that is
accepting the fact that Jesus Christ died on the cross so that we
may be forgiven for all our sins. We need to ask him to come into
our lives. You just go and seek out God and hear what he has to tell
you.

He loves all of us gays, straights, prostitutes, thieves, and
murders. We're all sinners every one of us, no one is perfect, no one
at all, but that shouldn't stop any of us from trying to be. I share
my Testimony with anyone in this lifestyle because I know now that
there is a way out. Many of you are hurting or may have gone through
some or maybe all or even worse than I have, but I have been in
search for love for 12 years and never found it. But now I can
finally truly say that I have found what I was looking for and
that's Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. He is one man that will
never disappoint us or never hurt us. He wants to love us, he wants
us to be happy, and he wants to be a big part of our lives if we
would just let him in our hearts.

This year so far, has been a blessing for me and it has just begun.
I no longer have Hepatitis C; my lab works have confirmed it. I am
no longer high risk for anal cancer, my T-Cells are on the rise and
my viral load is undetectable. I thank the Lord for my health and
healing me from Hepatitis C. I know I still have AIDS but I know
deep down in my heart that he will heal me from this disease. Either
in this short lifetime we have left or when I'm up in Heaven, where
he promises no disease, no sickness, no pain or hurting or sin. God
has helped me deal with so much; he's filled my heart with so much
peace and joy, love and compassion for others. Sometimes my face
hurts from smiling so much, but I give all thanks and glory to Jesus
Christ our Lord and Savior.

The day of the premier "The Passion of Christ" a lot was going
through my mind about what I was doing with volunteering. I was
going to start passing out condoms to others along with what I was
already doing online as far educating others about safer sex. God
told me that very day NO; not anymore are you to do this. I was
basically saying its okay to have sex and being a part of what the
world promotes. So I sat there praying, "Lord what would you have me
do."

He put in my heart to share my ex-gay Testimony with others online
as a home page. So that very night after watching "The Passion of
Christ" for the first time, really touched my life in away that
brought me even more deeply in LOVE with Jesus. I started to write
my testimony out and then place it online for everyone in the gay
chat rooms to read on AOL, Yahoo, and also Gay.com. No more than 10
minutes went by when I had gotten the first response to my home
page. It hurts to hear what happens when they are rejected as
members of these churches. This sin is no way that easy to come out
of. It takes time just as anything would and it doesn't happen over
night. Now is the time that we as Christian's, followers of Christ
need to open our hearts and our churches to the many that are
enduring these struggles.

This journey in no way was easy, I struggle from time to time, but
also very little. I have finally come to see that it is only a sin
and that the more I focus on God and stay in the word and listen to
what he is teaching me, the easier it gets. He does this with us
all, but we must be obedient and continue seeking him daily. It may
take months or years, but it's going to happen. My life is and has
always been in his hands. Now, I'm just not fighting it.

God Bless,

Daniel
http://www.pfox.org/asp/newsman/templates/newstemplate.asp?
articleid=255&zoneid=5

 by Cherrie Rowe

As a toddler, Jennifer loved books, but I pushed for dolls. She
lovedwearing pants, I argued for the dresses. I loved fairy tales,
butshe loved the encyclopedias and National Geographic. Jennifer was
artistic and gifted. I was the school drop out with disabilitiesand
a testimony that read much like the "woman at thewell."

We were so opposite, and yet more alike than we could see. We were
both led by our emotions, which took us on the rollercoaster ride of
our lives.

I had no idea that I was so full of fear, guilt and shame as a
result of childhood abuse. I thought that had already been
dealtwith. But I'm sad to say that even a commitment to Christ did
not keep those emotions from raging and holding me hostage. Not
surprisingly, my daughter followed the same pattern.Jennifer
received Jesus as Savior at a young age, and had apersonal love
relationship with Him for many years.

However in her second year of college, at the innocent age of
nineteen, she came home and made the devastating announcement that
she had entered the gay lifestyle. Life as we knew it would no
longer be the same.

At this point in telling my story, I could easily fall into the "if
onlys" – if only I had done this, if only I hadn't done that.
However, I have made the decision to walk in victory, not inthe
regrets of the past. I discovered in recent years that to walk in
the freedom that Christ has for me, my focus must be on Him and not
on my daughter or me.

That is not to say that the Lord hasn't required me to take a long,
painful look back on my parenting skills. In reflection, I had
wonderful "Martha" qualities - not as in Martha Stewart, but as in
the "Busy Martha" of the Bible. This meant positives like cooking
and baking; attending all PTA meetings, sporting events, band
concerts, and most school activities. I wanted to do all
the "motherly" things that hadn't been done for me. We were great at
attending Sunday school, church and even attended several Bill
Gothard seminars. I was absolutely driven to do things right, and
not repeat the sins of neglect or abuse ontoanother generation.

My greatest failure however was not listening, really listening, to
my daughter. I knew so little about nurturing, and practically
nothing about connection or communication. My way of parenting was
to talk "at her," not "to her." It wasn't long before all I could
hear was my own voice. I now know that I was so needy myself, I had
little left over for anyone else. That is why Jesus has encouraged
me to slow down and listen to Him; to put Him first. Finally, I am
fully committed to doing just that.

As for Jennifer, it has been thirteen years now since her startling
announcement. The lesbian community very early on became her
mentors,friends and new "family." Her wardrobe no longer resembled
that of a young woman, and her shoulder length hair was razor cut to
a one-half inch length. I became numb and speechless which proved to
be a blessing as I was just too shocked to reject her! But I did
eventually reject someone else - someone closer to me than my own
family. I rejected God.

I just couldn't understand why He had allowed this to happen! I felt
that my Heavenly Father had betrayed me, just as my earthly father
had done so many years ago. I was desperately heartbroken as I
watched my precious daughter sink deeper into deception and farther
away from me and the Lord. My prayers seemed at the time to fall on
deaf ears. Depression, embarrassment and despair became my constant
companions.

Thoughts of suicide resurfaced as the shame and guilt overwhelmed
me. A numbness and comatose state of mind soon followed. I saw
Jennifer as a victim, seduced by the enemy of her soul. I saw myself
as a rejected failure, leading me again to follow my deadly emotions
and victim mentality, which won out over God and His Word.

I'm sorry to say, I could not even begin to see the pain and
struggles in my daughter's life as I was too consumed with how her
choices were affecting me and our family. I felt that even
Jennifer's homosexuality was all about me, and it took years of
wandering in the wilderness to finally recognize that.

I am so grateful to say that over the past few years, the Lord has
been patient and merciful in restoring me to spiritual health and
wholeness. He's shown me how to take responsibility for contributing
to Jennifer's pain and struggles without assuming blame for her
wrong choices. I have asked for and received her forgiveness, and we
are continuing togrow in our relationship. My most fervent prayer is
that she returns to the Lord; I trust God to take care of the rest.

The Lord blesses me daily with increasingly more hope and faith for
Jennifer's restoration, even after thirteen years! It has taken me
far too long to realize that He is faithful and worthy of my trust.
I now know that I was every bit as deceived as I believe my daughter
to be, and that onlythe Truth can set us both free!

I remember in a conversation with Jennifer, I told her how her entry
into the gay lifestyle had been the worst thing that had ever
happened to me, but that it was also the best. It shocked me into a
reality and awareness of the brokenness in myself as well as in
others. God was then able to reveal His heart to me to show me that
those struggling with homosexuality had not asked for their
rejection and
damaged emotions, anymore than I had asked for mine.

I have since gone from asking Him to change "her;" to pleading that
He change "me." Thankfully, my belief system, that it is my "job and
duty" to love my daughter has now changed to believing that it is my
God given "privilege." His grace has allowed me to embrace both
Jennifer and her sweet partner with a genuine love that I never
would have thought possible. But of course we knowthat with God "All
Things Are Possible!"

Through the ministry of Exodus, and by attending the last two Annual
freedom Conferences, I have been blessed to meet many precious men
and women who have been miraculously transformed by the Power of our
Almighty God. I can say without a doubt that I see more of Jesus in
some of them than I have ever witnessed anywhere else.I have also
had the opportunity to sit and talk with many new friends who still
struggle with same sex attractions. I have had the privilege of
hearing their hearts and heart breaking stories.I do confess that
seeing their demonstrations of affection to one another is sometimes
difficult, but God's amazing grace allows me to accept them and love
them without approving of their lifestyle.

I am so aware of how I might have been swayed by the tides of
emotion in favor of these same sex relationships, had I not been
rooted and grounded in the infallible Word of God. Most importantly
I now see that Jesus came to our world, not to condemn but to save
and show us the love ofHis Father. I have such a passion to do the
same and to see God glorified on my journey.

--

Cherrie is our "Volunteer Mom." She serves at Exodus as a volunteer

 By Starla Allen

After the rape, I sensed a growing hatred of men. And I vowed that
one of them would never get near me again.

When I was 13 years of age, I was forcefully raped by a family
friend. I was too afraid to tell anyone, especially my dad. He always
said, "If anyone ever hurts my little girl, I'll kill him." He was a
big man, and I was afraid he'd do just that. So I "stuffed" down the
fear and anger for the next 15 years. Bitterness brewed inside. In
fact, my real self, my femininity was buried by it, although I didn't
realize that for years.

My upbringing had been strict, but I knew my parents loved one
another. In fact, my mother spoiled my father rotten, and they both
loved it. My parents were married for 32 years, until my mother
passed away in 1981.

Back when I was four years old, another significant event happened.
My family was visiting my grandparents. Amid all the talking and chit-
chat, my grandfather started teasing me, and he hurt my feelings. I
started crying. My father didn't know how to respond. He took me into
a bedroom and told me to stay there until I could pull myself
together.

I won't show that kind of emotion again to Dad, I promised myself. I
felt like I was being punished for doing something bad. I started
protecting my emotions from that point on.

My parents warned my younger sister and I about the dangers of men,
especially strangers. The message I heard was, "Don't trust men.
You'll only get hurt." The rape incident when I was 13 confirmed
those feelings. I knew better than to let a man get close to me after
that.

I had an older woman friend who headed a girls' group to which I
belonged. One day, I told her about my rape. She was a Christian, and
began praying for me. As time went on, she shared with me the changes
God was bringing in her life. I was interested, but I wasn't yet
ready to invite Him into my own heart.

During high school and college, I didn't have much time for men. I'd
pretty much decided marriage wasn't for me.

Then, in my third year of college, I met a woman who gave me
unconditional love, just what I'd been seeking for years. Our
relationship became close and emotional, then physical. We lived
together almost five years.

The first couple of years were marvelous -there was romance
everywhere. But our mutual neediness began taking its toll. I either
felt smothered or neglected. Toward the end of our relationship, my
lover started dating guys and sleeping with them. That killed me; I
couldn't stand it. One day, I confronted her.

"You can either learn to handle it, or we're through," she snapped. I
knew I didn't have too many options. I figured it was either make the
relationship work, or I'd end up alone.

The relationship between my lover and I continued to crumble, and I
drank to numb the pain. Finally, in desperation, I started dating a
young man. We even had a short-lived sexual relationship. He knew my
situation, and was determined to help me out of lesbianism.

But there was no foundation for a friendship. We only had three
things in common: we liked sunsets, Chinese food and sex. I knew it
wasn't the type of relationship that I really wanted. And I was still
not letting go of my emotions; those were carefully protected. I
didn't want to get hurt again.

My life seemed totally empty. I started seriously thinking about
suicide, and even picked out the method I'd use. As I surveyed the
wreckage of my life, I suddenly thought about my older friend who had
witnessed to me.

Mom Nelson said that Jesus could really change lives, I thought.
Well, I've tried everything else. I might as well give Him a chance.

"God, if you're up there," I prayed, "I'm giving you three days. Here
is my life; see what you can do." I decided if nothing happened after
three days, I'd go ahead and commit suicide.

On the third day, I ran into Mom Nelson. "I've done something that
you might be interested in," I said, and told her what I'd done. She
was thrilled, and immediately sat me down with a little booklet on
becoming a Christian. She wanted to make sure I was really saved!
Then she plugged me into a church and a Bible study.

I knew I couldn't go back to my lover. My lesbianism just didn't fit
in with my new relationship with God. So I moved to another apartment
by myself. During my first year as a Christian, I had no problem at
all on a sexual level. It was like a great honeymoon period. I'd go
home from work and soak up the Word. Finally I had found Someone who
would give me all the love I could stand.

One lady in my church was very helpful. I could go over to her house
any time of the day or night. We'd read the Scriptures together and
talk about what was happening in our lives. She was a major
contributor towards my healing.

At first, though, I was deathly afraid to tell her about my past
lesbianism. One night, I was sitting on her sofa, agonizing over
whether or not to tell her. I cried for about half an hour, while she
just sat and waited. When I finally told her, she said, "Well, I
never would have guessed." It was then I realized that God was
already working great changes in my life. It encouraged me to keep on
going.

After several years as a Christian, I felt the Lord asking me to go
back to the lesbian community with His message. "Absolutely no way!"
I said to myself. I agonized over that answer for a few weeks.

Then God asked me, "Are you willing to come with Me and deliver My
message?" Knowing He'd be with me was just the reassurance I needed,
and I said yes.

It was another three years before He got me in contact with ex-gay
ministry. A friend who knew my past gave me a newspaper ad which
mentioned Love In Action, a nearby Christian ministry to men and
women overcoming homosexuality. I put the slip of paper in my pocket
and thought, Is this God calling me to minister? It can't be-I'm not
totally healed yet.

Two weeks later, the same woman gave me a copy of the ad again,
forgetting that she had already mentioned it. I sensed God was behind
it, so I decided to phone Love In Action. I got the address for their
group meetings and went to the church.

From the first night, I knew God wanted me there, and I started going
regularly. Then the leader left and I found myself in charge of the
group. But there still wasn't any deep sense of healing within me. I
was out of lesbian behavior, but I was just beginning to see who I
was as a woman.

One day, I shared with a friend at church my burden for becoming a
counsellor. "That sounds great!" she said. "But you'll need to go
back to school." I started looking into different programs, and chose
Biola University near Los Angeles.

Soon I was on my way to southern California, with ten dollars in my
pocket and my little Datsun full of my earthly possessions. On the
way down, I stopped to visit my dad. For the first time in his life,
he took me to the bank, withdrew one hundred dollars from his
account, and handed it to me. I knew he was saying, "I love you. I'm
behind you." I was ready to cry. It was the first step of restoration
in our relationship.

Once in Los Angeles, I called a friend who'd been my first Sunday
School teacher. She lived fairly close to the school and said, "My
husband's out of town for two weeks. How would you like to stay
here?" I thought, "Hallelujah! I've got a place to stay for awhile."
That was nine years ago, and though I've lived in other places, I've
never lacked a home since that day. The Lord has taken really good
care of me.

God has done a lot of good things in my life during these past nine
years. There's been a slow healing process in accepting my
femininity. For example, as a result of the rape, I never dressed to
look pretty, because pretty meant seductive, and seductive meant
trouble.

"I need to learn how to shop for clothes," I told my roommate one
day. About a week later, she said,"Let's go shopping!" I broke out in
a cold sweat.

"Uhh, wait," I answered. "I'm not ready for that yet!" She waited
another week, then tried again.

"Starla, I need to go shopping for something to wear on my trip. Do
you want to come with me?" So we went shopping, and she really got
into it. I was pushing through all the hangers, casually looking at
things. It was a start! Now when we go shopping, we try on all kinds
of flamboyant things, just to see what they look like. I've learned a
bit about style, what colors look good on me-that sort of thing. I
love it; it feels good to enhance who I am.

In fact, the Lord has totally changed me. About six months after
accepting the Lord, I ran into one of the men I used to play pool
with. I shook his hand, and asked him how his family was doing. He
didn't even recognize me.

After our conversation, I walked away, floating about three feet off
the ground. "God, You've really done a work in me," I laughed. Now
when I tell people some of things I used to do, they say, "I can't
imagine you that way." And it's true, because I can't either. God has
healed my bitterness, and the real me underneath is blossoming